Life as a Science

How does Rowan Keeting kill me like this? One stupid song and I'm completely distracted and gazing longingly out my window......

"sunday morning love songs" on BBC2 should not be listened to on lonely sunday mornings when you're trying to write a paper. :)


It's SUCH a cheezy song....."You say it best....when you say nothing at all." But it kills me.


posted by sordaria @ 6:46 AM

Today I'm listening for the sound of one hand clapping.


(basically, looking for something different)
posted by sordaria @ 12:58 PM

Not much to post recently...I've just been slogging away at work which doesn't lead itself to interesting postings. Sorry about that.

Still doing a lot of thinking about life....it's getting to the point where almost every song lyric is striking a chord in me somewhere....what is it I want to do, really? Where do I want to be? Who's going to be there?


Sigh. Listening to John Mayor sing "Bigger than my Body" on BBC2 radio right now....."waiting for my fears to dry"....hmmmm
posted by sordaria @ 6:08 AM

Note to Erica's brain: Sun and no snow does NOT correspond to warm temperatures. Stop wearing your spring jacket. Why do you think you're sick??


SHEESH.
posted by sordaria @ 10:00 AM

Wow.
This is week 6 of my 8 week term.
This term has gone INCREDIBLY fast...I honestly feel like I just left home (which, actually, I pretty much just did), and I'm almost finished....if I was returning home for break like I did last term, I'd be leaving to come home in 2.5 weeks. That is CRAZY.

Also, anybody got any extra toothpicks they wouldn't mind lending me? Gotta prop open these eyelids.....
posted by sordaria @ 6:54 AM

Not really sure what to write about tonight.

My thoughts have been returning to old haunts lately...doesn't help that my seminars are getting progressively more and more boring, which not simply invites daydreaming, but ushers it in, gives it the best seat by the fire and serves it a cup of tea with scones.

Ran out of shampoo today. That sucks. Early morning trip to Tescos is in order.....

I've been getting progressively more grumpy and irritable over the last few days. I think it's because I'm stressed about the next two weeks (work's beginning to flood out of every orpheus), I'm fighting off a cold and am always tired because of rowing. I'm easily annoyed and irritated and have NEGATIVE amounts of patience. I almost ate the undergraduates at dinner tonight because they weren't moving fast enough through line and I was starving.
Sorry to all of you for any crappiness I might empart your way over the next 2 weeks...I promise I'll be okay as soon as they're over and I get a break from rowing and work and am able to sleep past 5:30am....and not write any more essays. Sigh....for now, that's simply a dream.... :)

Enough of complaining about being tired though...time to go do something about it.
And so with that, goodnight my dears...sweet dreams to all of you. *hugs*

posted by sordaria @ 7:07 PM

Arrgh! Why is that my thoughts focus on everything other than work when I most need them to stay on topic? Sunday mornings lend themselves more to life reflection than to essays, but still...that doesn't change the fact that the essay deadlines are still approaching....arrrgh...okay mind, SETTLE DOWN.

I need an iv containing mind control solution.
posted by sordaria @ 7:41 AM

Today I learned that happiness and joy can come out of completely unexpected things, and that some days are so good they're worth losing your mittens.
posted by sordaria @ 7:02 PM

Came home early tonight due to sickness, need for sleep and early morning rowing in the morning.
My mind is wandering along all kinds of pathways tonight....some I don't recognize, some so familiar I could trace them blindfolded in the darkness.
Time to go to sleep and see which ones my mind prefer tonight.
posted by sordaria @ 6:45 PM

Last night I rediscovered the joys of the foosball table.
Summer of third year university, I stayed in Sackville to start my thesis, and as there was not much to do in Bagtown, my friends and I spent a lot of time at the university pub, getting free drinks from the bartender and playing game after game of free foosball. I've maybe played three times since that summer.
Last night, at a course potluck at Green College bar, I discovered a foosball table in the corner. Pulling it out, we played game after game until our backs hurt, our hands began to blister, and we were sweating from the exertion.
I think I may have re-found my addiction.



In other news, it was sunny for the first time of the millenium in Oxford yesterday. Today, back to grey skies.
Also, in other news, I just slammed my finger in my drawer, and it hurts like hell. Goddamm.
In the last bit of news, have discovered that my across-the-street window neighbors have a dog. I'm slowing figuing them out through the glimpses I can see through their open curtains. I often forget that that means they can see me too. Oops.
posted by sordaria @ 7:10 AM

The mind is a funny, devious, self-saving type of thing. It can fool you into thinking you are feeling certain ways, or believing certain things, if that's what you need to get through. You can keep this up for a long time. But sometimes, something really little, like a song melody, or a certain smell, or a line of prose, can just creep in and trigger thoughts you had suppressed, had ignored, had decided not to acknowledge. And with the return of these thoughts, all you can do is embrace them for a time, cry if you need to, then when you're done, shove them back into the darkness where you had hid them. Then you open your curtains, and decide you've got to start your day.
Rinse, and repeat.


posted by sordaria @ 6:07 AM

I got whistled at by a construction worker today.

I thought that only happened in movies, or at the very least, in bad tv commercials.

And yesterday, some man said something VERY RUDE to me as he rode by on his bike. Good thing he was going fast or I would have thrown my bookbag at him.

What is up with this? URGH!!!!
posted by sordaria @ 6:33 PM

Throat hurting when swallowing...glands beginning to swell...energy level plumetting......

Shite.

I can NOT be sick right now.

Becca, I'm totally blamming you.

:)
posted by sordaria @ 7:24 AM

Okay..close your eyes and picture this.

You're fast asleep....dreaming beautiful, calming dreams. Your eyelids are softly fluttering, your breathing is deep and slow, you are cuddled underneath your soft duvet, knees curled up into your body, arms cradling your pillow. It is 3:45am.

And then the slamming bells of the fire alarm go off.

This was my morning. At 3:45 am, my body jolted upright with a force inertia itself could not challenge, and as my mind tried to dicepher the message the screaming bells were telling me, my body found itself out of bed, putting on a jacket, pants and shoes, and stumbling out the door. Meeting my friends downstairs, we stood in the cold awaiting the arrival of the assistant junior dean on duty who would tell us everything was alright, switch off the alarm and then tell us all to go back to sleep with a comforting pat on the head.

And this was when the assistant junior dean ran downstairs saying "I am so fucked."

Apparently, knowing where the key is to turn off the fire alarm is not something an assistant junior dean should be good at, although geez, you know, they are paid to do it.
We realized that mr. assistant junior dean, henceforth to be known as ajd, had to go to college to get the key. Someone asked, "do you have a bike?" And he said, no. Crap. But then Kevin, god bless his heart came to our rescue and said, "Do you need a bike? I have a bike." Yay! We said.
But then the ajd said, "i can't ride -- can you ride?" cause apparently the ability to ride a bike it's crucial to being an adj.

And then I felt like I was in a modern day version of the lord of the rings. As if mounting a fast horse to ride away and fetch help to save his dying people, the ajd jumped on the back of Kevin's bicycle, and the two of them rode off into the dark. I wish I had a picture...man oh man....I'm not sure if it was the fact that it was now 4:10am, or that we were freezing and tired, or that the moment really was that funny, but we all collapsed into laughter.

Eventually, we did get back to bed, unburnt and just a little frostbitten.

Oh my oh my oh my. I hate fire alarms, but man can they ever be hillarious. ;)
posted by sordaria @ 7:28 AM

Hmmm....decisions, waiting periods, uncertainties....stress.

I want this week to be over already.

Feeling mildly excited over relatively nothing tonight. Also am very very tired and wish to retire to bed now. So what if it's only 9:18? I already told you I have the sleep patterns of an 85-year old woman.

And being back at early-morning rowing certainly isn't helping that at all!!!

anyways, not too much to say tonight. Just doing some work and hanging with Jamie Cullum again....sing to me baby.

Goodnight y'all.
OH! And Jen left for Australia today!!! I'm thinking about you, ladies!!!!
I would like to get on a plane now too and fly away. Not sure where yet...just away for a bit. I want a break. :)
posted by sordaria @ 5:50 PM

It's amazing how many people take your picture when you're rowing down an Oxford river. Especially on a sunny sunday afternoon. I wonder how many "our family vacation" photo albums I made it into today. One guy took a really cool picture of our crew as we came out from beneath a bridge he was standing on. Wish I had a copy of that one.

I'm a bit more mellow than this morning's post. That's probably due to my extreme tiredness from rowing practice, my lack of vigour due to last night's episodes, and also the fact that it's now dark and I know the weekend is almost over. When I wake, it'll be another monday...another week of work...even the stamp from last night's party is wearing off my hand of its own accord. It's kinda sad, actually.

Well, I guess there's nothing to be done but barrell through it -- next weekend will be here soon enough, and then the fun can begin again. :)

Until then.....
posted by sordaria @ 4:06 PM

Well, it's over and done and I've comeout unscathed on the other side.
You all know what I'm talking about -- V-DAY. (insert scary doom music here)

Actually, I should stop that. Valentine's day has never really miffed me much. I kinda nothing-it, which is easy because I've never actually been with someone through a Valentine's day. Not having any memories to fondly remember makes it easier to just ignore it. :)
I do have a slight bitterness towards it, being such a Hallmark-creation, but someone said something to me last night that kinda changed my mind. He said that it's nice to have a day like Valentine's Day, kinda like it's nice to have Mother's or father's day. You know it's commercial, but it's so easy to slip into everyday busy life and not tell the people around us how much we love them and appreciate them...having a day set out for that is a nice way to kick your butt to tell them how you really feel.
Speaking of last night, I had the best damn Valentine's day I've ever had EVER yesterday. There was nothing valentine-ish about it, it was just really fun. :) My college did an Anti-Valentine's Day crawl with University College (funny name, hmm?) and a few stragglers from some other colleges. I met some amazingly fun people, and found myself laughing and smiling the entire night. It's still incredible to me how you can talk for 5 hours with people you'd never met before that 5 hours began...I mean, the wine helped of course, but finding new people to hang with is such a cool feeling...I don't know, I felt completely on top of my game last night -- had a FANTASTIC night, capped off with some dancing at a bubblewrap party (yeah..don't ask). I even finally gave in and had Kabob-van (moving truck with meat..urgh) chips and onion rings. The only good thing about that is that if I die from food poisoning, there are at least 3 other people going down with me. :)
And now...it's sunday. I've survived V-day with some amazing memories and some new friends. No chocolates or flowers, but somehow I think I'll survive. :)
posted by sordaria @ 6:27 AM

okay, I am SUCH a procrastinator. I have this stupid essay I'm working on which, granted, isn't due for a week, but it'll probably only take me an hour to finish if I just sit my ass down and do it....but instead, I have to go make supper...and wash the dishes...and then play spider solitaire...and make some hot chocoloate...and listen to Jamie Cullum..and of course I can't write about Foucault and his power relations while I'm mellowing with warm drinks and light jazz....


ARRRGH! Sometime in the last week I have lost my drive...I've mellowed out. I've decided going for tea and happy hour, and laughing with my friends and watching good tv is more important than stressing about these essays. I knew this point would come eventually, I was just hoping it would wait until AFTER I had finished the 4 essays, 2 debates and 2 debate papers I still have to do before term ends...

Oh well....at least this will slow the growth of my good ol' stomach ulcer...my old friend left over from my thesis.

(p.s. I don't REALLY have a stomach ulcer...it's just an allusion to stress....okay...)
posted by sordaria @ 5:43 PM

Addition to that last post: if we run away, we should drive, and we should listen to Interstate Love Song by the Stone Temple Pilotes on the way....loud.


posted by sordaria @ 8:04 AM

okay, this is it.
I have officially crossed the line and am about to whine.
"I DON'T WANT TO WORK ANYMORE!!"

I am SO tired of reading and writing essays CONSTANTLY. Give me some DNA to extract...let me do a PCR reaction...for godssake, give me an organic esterfication or crystalization to perform...ANYTHING!!

URGH!!!!

I want to run away. Anyone want to come along? I'll bring snacks.

posted by sordaria @ 7:50 AM

Some scary and weird looking dude was eyeing me from his computer while I was photocopying this morning. At first I thought he was the copyright police, come to arrest me because I was photocopying more than 5% of a piece of work or up to one article or chapter of a book, but now I think he's just creepy.

Randomness.
posted by sordaria @ 8:07 AM

okay.....BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


The flowers are going to freeze! wait...why am I so concerned about the flowers? I'M going to freeze!!!!
posted by sordaria @ 6:04 AM

I feel like I'm Carrie from Sex and The City.

Here I am, sitting at my laptop at the end of the day, in my dimly-lit room with my view of the busy street below. I'm listening to my new favorite possession -- my Jamie Cullum CD, kind of a young Harry Connick Jr...incredible jazz....and thinking about my day...and my life. All I need now is a good glass of wine or a martini and a crazy outfit, and the picture would be complete. I even have the curly hair thing going on.

Today I found a new way to rejuvenate. I went into Borders (the English version of Chapters, complete with Starbucks), got myself a coffee, and headed to the music selection. There I stayed for a good 20 minutes, headphones on, listening to the first 30 seconds of every track off of any jazz CD I could lay my hands on. Then I wandered over to the art section, pulled out a book on Salvador Dali and plunked myself down in a soft, comfy black leather couch. I stayed there, coffee in hand, flipping through that book and then one on Degas for the next hour, listening to Sarah McLaughlan play through the speakers, the happy conversation of people around me, the quiet breathing and page turning of the boy occupying the chair next to me. I don't know what he was reading. It was just nice to have company, even though we never talked nor even so much as looked at each other. Quiet company. Kinda nice.

A slow walk home, stopping to take some pictures of my college and its gargoyles, a meandering stroll down a side lane into Magdalen college...a picture of the deer through a blue gate.
It was a beautifully calm afternoon. And again, I felt happy and non-stressed. These moments are few, but beautiful in their simplility. I'm not trying to say I'm unhappy. That's not true at all. It's just that there's this underlying feeling that intrudes in every aspect of my life, disrupting normal flow. But it's afternoons like this, when I'm alone yet with quiet company that I can just breathe, and smile again.

This CD is making me so mellow and words are just coming out....hopefully this post will make some sort of sense, but I really doubt it. :) Sorry about that...it's just Jamie....this is seriously the most kick-ass CD....I'm so happy. :)

Oh, and one last thing: mega props to Mr. Thom Ringer (writer of the fabulous Makeout Songs for Grad Students blog) for giving me my new msn sign-in name:
"The last time you had a fan, it was rotatin' on the ceiling".
BOO-YA.
SOOO money. :)

Okay, enough rambling. Jamie is ending his song, and so I should head to bed.
Goodnight mes amies. :)

posted by sordaria @ 8:16 PM

Some general thoughts about the weekend:

Friday night was a great time. I danced and was danced around, tried (and failed) at the salsa, drank some interesting spanish-themed drinks and walked too many miles in the dark. I amazed me though that oxford is not really as big as I thought it was. Although I can't go a whole day without running into a familiar face or two, I still didn't realize the extent to which my circles of friends are connected. Numerous times during the night I was introduced to someone I already knew by a friend or by someone I had just met. It was hillarious, and each time we hammed it up by saying "Oh! Very nice to met you! You're doing what program? Oh me too!!" and laughing, or grabbing each other into huges hugs to the astonishment of our introducer. I watched my canadian friends dance and chat with my program friends, and met so many friends-of-friends. In general, a fantastic night for meeting new faces. Annie and Erica's weekend adventure number 1. :)

And than last night, we went and saw Something's Gotta Give. It was a GREAT movie...so funny...so moving...Diane Keeting was INCREDIBLE and Jack Nicholson actgually played a quite convincing romantic hero to her heroine. It's all about love not expected, love found, love lost, and then love re-found. It had the romantic bridge scene and all the elements that could have made it extremely corny, but managed to avoid it. I think that had something to do with the fact that the characters were all over 55....gave them an air of wisdom and experience, yet mixed with 17-year old innocence. Anyway, GREAT movie, GO SEE IT....it pulls at the heart strings and at the funny bone, and gives you hope. At least, it did for me.

Then, after the movie was over, Annie and I continued our adventures into the night. Failing to find a door into the Traffic Light party we were trying to get to, we wandered down to Merton's Bar and had martinis that were pretty much fruit cups with alcohol -- AMAZING. After that we tried to crash another college party but once again were thwarted by not being able to find a door. Stupid old colleges and their moats. urgh

Anyways, so now it's sunday, and I must find some way to amuse myself for the rest of the day. I feel like a housewife -- I've finished the laundry and the grocery shopping (and my essay) and now I can go play.

And still, these thoughts keep naggin me. Friday night I had a dream that almost killed me to wake up out of. It was the most amazing thing....just a simple dream really, nothing intensely incredible in the actions, but it was the meaning behind the actions....anyway, waking up after that and realizing I was alone in my room in England was not a pleasant experience. Times like that I'm glad I have to race down to the boathouse saturday mornings and erg....helps me clear my head. :)
posted by sordaria @ 9:50 AM

So last night after formal hall and the premiere of Friends, Annie and I headed over to our first Salsa Party. And I don't mean tostitos and dip...I mean Salsa dancing! Yup that's right...all salsa, all the time. There were even lessons at the beginning of the night so we could salsa in style. Of course, the lessons didn't really stick and as soon as the instructor's feet disappeared for following, we all slipped back into our bopping and attempted-salsa...which I'm sure looked HILLARIOUS....anyway, GOOD GOOD TIMES.
But now it's morning again, and it's off to rowing. Wish I was still sleeping this off in bed!!! murph
posted by sordaria @ 5:50 AM

This morning I was INCREDIBLY cranky during my tutorial. I literally heard the words "shut up....would you just stop talking..oh my god oh my god...holy fuck...blah blah blah" surging through my head as my tutorial leader asked us moronic questions and got us to talk about our most recent papers. It was like all patience was drained out of me, which is weird, because I usually have quite a bit of patience.
Maybe it's the overcast skies...haven't seen the sun in a while. I think we're all getting a little vitamin deficient over here. We may have tulips, but I'd rather snow if it meant I could have the sun.

In other news, I'm writing a paper on purging, sweating, bloodletting and vomitting, so if any of you are interested in S&M or other strange pursuits, let me know and I'll point you towards some fascinating (or not) reading material.
Also, remember how I did all those squats yesterday? Well today my legs have seized up, and stairs are my very worst enemy. Who knew that going DOWN stairs was harder on your quads than going UP? Strange this biology...

Well, I suppose I should stop procrastinating now and get back to reading.
In other news, I've found a msn buddy who's always awake when I first wake up due to being on the opposite coast of canada. This is very nice as it pushes away the bad thoughts of morning that always cloud my mood and make me lonely. Thanks dude. :)


posted by sordaria @ 10:43 AM

okay, so this morning I was all healthy and work-outish and go go go yay endorphins....well, that lasted a whole, what, 8 hours?
HA!
Tonight for supper Annie and I split a huge platter of deep fried foods and also each had a pint. Okay, so I helped finish hers. :)
Ah...so so full. And still very content. Nothing like a fatty dinner with a good friend to lighten your mood. Also, we've decided that this weekend we're going to paint the town red. Yup, going out Newfie style. That is...if I can stay awake. Lately I've developed the sleeping pattern of an 85-year old woman, where I'm passing out by 10 and wide awake around 7. It's good for the weekdays, but it kinda sucks on weekends when everyone's getting on the go and the only place I want to go is to bed...SIGH. Too bad they don't sell Rev here. THAT would wake me up!! (right becca?? haha)
Speaking of which, I think it's time to go home. The library is quiet and almost empty, which tells me to stop being a geek and get out of here like the rest of the world already has.
Besides, I need many hours of rest to repair my poor quads...tommorrow there's weight training and I don't want to collapse in front of my teamates. Funnily enough, I'M supposed to be the strong one. HA!

Bon nuit mes amis et amies. Je vous aimes. :)
posted by sordaria @ 5:24 PM

I feel better and more exhilerated this morning than I have in the past two and a half weeks of mornings. I feel up-lifted, destressed, purposeful, and good about myself.

And it's all due to two bone-crushing, mountains of pain, push yourself to the limit until your heart stops and you die mid squat workouts. :)

They say what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, and when it comes to rowing, that is CERTAINLY the case. Although I'm leaning more towards the possible "killing me" option at the moment.
The river is currently too high to row (due to the melting of the...wait for it...INCH AND A HALF of snow that fell last week), and so since we can't row, we're into heavy land training. Which means: sprints monday night, ergs tuesday night, circuits wednesday morning, weights thursday night, ergs saturday morning, tank sessions on sunday.
And so last night I launched a full out asault on the rowing machines, almost killing myself in the process, but came out with a faster time than last week. For some reason, I like competing with myself....flinging insults at yourself...Your momma jokes and all that.....(when you're that tired, it actually makes sense...just run with it).
And then THIS morning, I think I actually may have made my quad muscles leave my legs and take a holiday in Barados. I think this, because I can't seem to walk up or down stairs anymore, or even get myself out of this chair. It's going to make for an interesting walk to school. Better leave a few minutes early...like 40.

Anyway, all that to say that I feel GREAT. Horribly in pain, aching and without any muscle coordination, but mentally great.
It's about time. :)

posted by sordaria @ 6:30 AM

I need the world to wake up.

I need to have people around me...to take my attention away....to stop me from drowning in this.....it's like there's this fist in my chest that's just SQUEEZING and tightening this morning....

World, come on. Wake up and start your day. Being alone is NOT what I need right now.


posted by sordaria @ 6:21 AM

okay, so the clouds have parted and the essay is being to come clear.

I still think this is RETARDED....but hey, if I made up the course I'd have graduated by now and would be punting down a river in Italy being fed grapes and fanned with big ferns.

wow...time for bed. My brain is running away with me.

;)
posted by sordaria @ 5:40 PM

okay folks, this is my new essay topic:

Foucault and Bourdieu claim that subordinate groups internalize the reasons for their disadvantage and thus fail to recognize them. How realistic is this?

I LOVE that this is an essay that counts for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, has NOTHING to do with my course of study and that we've never had a lecture in anything Foucault nor Bourdieu has ever said or done, and so have absolutely no idea what this question is about let alone know where to start with it.


ARRRRRGHHHH.
posted by sordaria @ 10:48 AM

Last night I laughed like I haven't in a few weeks....went out with some of the other Canadian Rhodies. We basically picked on one guy all night, but it was all out of love and he egged us all on, so it was alll good. Pizza, and then amazing ice cream, all held together by belly shaking laughter makes for one good saturday night.

But now that it's sunday morning, I'm feeling restless. I think it's time to go for a walk.
Why can't I sleep in anymore????? SIGH
posted by sordaria @ 6:21 AM