Wednesday, January 02, 2008
2008. That's nearly 5 years since I started this blog. I think it's time to end it. I'm slowly transfering the enteries to a more concrete form, and once that's done, I'll remove this from the public domain. This blog has been a huge supportive outlet for me, especially in its first 2 years. The problem is, I disregarded the 'public' aspect of the blog, and wrote as if it was a private journal far too often. I used it to work out my relationship problems, which was unfair to those involved, as I was never as cryptic as I thought I was. It's been of tremendous help, and is now serving as an amazing record of an incredibly important time in my life, but i think it's time it began private territory once again. Thank you all for reading and commenting....your comments will be immortalized along with the journal enteries themselves. :)
It has been amazing however, to re-read my entries. All the same emotions start tumbling back, and I find myself living again in those perfect moments when I first fell in love, and am feeling again the pit in my stomach that was left after all had ended. I'm remembering the taste of kebab food at 3am. I'm remembering the feel of a boat gliding underneath me on the Isis and how the oar pulled at your fingertips when it caught the water. I'm remembering the uncertainty, and the freedom and the feeling of limitless possibilities that existed when I lived in Oxford...of knowing that each day was going to bring something entirely new, and likely very weird, to my doorstep. I miss that.
What has been wonderful though, is how my life has started to sort itself out in a new way......last year, reading over my old posts would have thrown me back into loneliness and saddness over what I had lost so many years ago. Today, i still feel those things...but they're blunted and smoothed over by the knowledge of what I have now....I can pack up the memories, saving the really good ones for the top of the bundle so I can revisit them with happiness and fondness whenever I like. I've finally moved past the point of immense saddness with these thoughts....now I can enjoy the memory of the really sweet moments, linger in them, without longing for them again. I can move beyond saddness, because now I have my own happy ending.
And maybe because of that, it's time this blog came to an end.
Cheers.
posted by sordaria @ 11:59 PM
It has been amazing however, to re-read my entries. All the same emotions start tumbling back, and I find myself living again in those perfect moments when I first fell in love, and am feeling again the pit in my stomach that was left after all had ended. I'm remembering the taste of kebab food at 3am. I'm remembering the feel of a boat gliding underneath me on the Isis and how the oar pulled at your fingertips when it caught the water. I'm remembering the uncertainty, and the freedom and the feeling of limitless possibilities that existed when I lived in Oxford...of knowing that each day was going to bring something entirely new, and likely very weird, to my doorstep. I miss that.
What has been wonderful though, is how my life has started to sort itself out in a new way......last year, reading over my old posts would have thrown me back into loneliness and saddness over what I had lost so many years ago. Today, i still feel those things...but they're blunted and smoothed over by the knowledge of what I have now....I can pack up the memories, saving the really good ones for the top of the bundle so I can revisit them with happiness and fondness whenever I like. I've finally moved past the point of immense saddness with these thoughts....now I can enjoy the memory of the really sweet moments, linger in them, without longing for them again. I can move beyond saddness, because now I have my own happy ending.
And maybe because of that, it's time this blog came to an end.
Cheers.
posted by sordaria @ 11:59 PM
