Life as a Science

so I haven't posted in a whole bunch of days...sorry about that. This isn't going to be a post that makes up for those missing either, cause I gotta run to the library. My internet connection in my building is being all crappy and usually doesn't work, so I'm not able to post at night when I'm at my most thoughtful/weird....hopefully that'll get fixed soon, and I'll be back to posting and commenting on everyone else's sites soon.
Sorry for the downtime guys.
Please hold -- your comments are important to us.

:)
posted by sordaria @ 6:59 AM

Found the song "I'm sensitive" by Jewel today on Annie's computer....haven't heard that song since first year university when I went to visit Becca in halifax during spring break and she was learning to play it on guitar. I learned the opening chords...but have forgotten them now.
It's incredible actually, to think back to those few days I spent with her...we were SO much younger and more innocent. We had never gone to a real club, were just beginning to experiment with alcohol, were still trying to figure out boyfriends and the situations they created, and dealing with slightly weird and crazy roomates. I remember a walk to Point Pleasant Park, and an comfortable night with some pot-smoking boys, and watching The Shining in a cellar....but most of all, the excitement of being in a new place with my best friend when everything was still sparkly and fresh....the beginning of university.
This song kinda makes sense for that era.

I was thinking that I might fly today
Just to disprove all the things that you say
It doesn't take a talent to be mean
Your words can crush things that are unseen
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way

You always tell me that it's impossible
To be respected, and be a girl
Why's it gotta be so complicated
Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated
Oh please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way

I was thinking, that it might do some good
If we robbed the cynics and took all their food
That way what they believe will have taken place
And we'd give it to everybody who'll have some faith
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way

I have this theory, that if we're told we're bad
Then that's the only idea we'll ever have
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see
'Cause anyone can start a conflict
it's harder yet to disregard it
I'd rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way

posted by sordaria @ 3:15 PM

I've given in to my body, and have let the morning running and library hours go for the day. I spent the morning in bed, watching the free DVD of the original Starsky and Hutch movie that came when we went to see the new version in the theatres, and eating cereal. I'm contemplating going to play some basketball later...but that will be weather dependent.
Generally feeling very lazy.
Oh well.
Besides, I have a headache. That's reason enough to stay locked up in my room with my duvet and my book, right?
Right. Glad we agree.

:)
posted by sordaria @ 8:37 AM

Hey,
Does anyone happen to have a copy of Michael Moore's book, 'Stupid White Men' that they might want to lend to me? A friend was telling me about it last night, and it sounds like something I'd love to read.
Of course, I guess this would imply you not only having the book, but living in the greater UK region...so I've cut down a lot of my readers there...oh well. Still...had to ask.
posted by sordaria @ 10:24 AM

Feeling a little this morning like I'm stuck in a moment, and I can't get out of it.
posted by sordaria @ 7:28 AM

Well, that's another full day at the library. If I was at home, I'd say "I'm right proud, wha?" ;)
Annie and I have successfully completed three mornings of getting up early, running around the deerpark and then spending the day at the library. But right now, my eyes are beginning to cross and I am finding that I no longer care about the contents of Hunter's Tropical Diseases, or Tropical Medicine for Dummies. Go figure. Time to get out of here.

I'm starting to feel the pull to go home....it's break, and people are taking jaunts home to see their families and friends. If my parents weren't coming over in 2 weeks, I don't know what I'd do. Of course, it's lots more than just them I miss....oh dear, CRASH, by DMB just came on through my headphones, so I should definitely stop writing or I'm going to start getting REALLY sentimental and thoughtful. And look at that...the sun is just starting to go down again, same as yesterday.

I guess 3 and a half months really isn't all that long...it's almost April, and I should be home by the end of July...the last two months have just flown, so I'm sure it'll go quickly. Just got the ache, that's all.
Or maybe that's just hunger pangs.
Think I'll go eat and find out.



posted by sordaria @ 2:56 PM

I cut through the back of my college to get to the library this morning, as I do every morning, but this morning they had just been out mowing, and so I got the scent of fresh cut grass as I walked. It reminded me of spring, and also of my dad. :)

now, erica, get to work!!
;)
posted by sordaria @ 7:06 AM

It's funny how we spend the day.

I just looked out the library window to see the evening sunlight falling across the front of the Museum of Natural History. That sun will set soon, just as it does everyday. What I've done today makes no difference to the sun, nor to the moon, nor to any of the planets orbiting round. Neither, I suppose, does it bother the person at the next desk, or the people I'll pass on my way home. It doesn't affect anyone but me, and so I wonder if indeed I'm spending my time well.

It's beautiful to look at the sun illuminating the immense beige stone walls..the shadows casted by the juting architecture...the sparkle on the tall curving windows.

I just can't wait for warm summer nights, when I can wander around without huddling into the shelter of my coat and scarf, enjoying the evening light and remembering other nights just like that one will be...but in a different place than those that intermittenly spring into my memories.

I'm not sure what this post is about. Evening sunlight just always makes me think too much.
posted by sordaria @ 2:18 PM

Hemph (sigh of surprised interest). Apparently, Malaria used to be a worldwide disease, common in Europe, North America and Russia....I didn't realize that. It's now completely construed as a tropical disease...very interesting.

Oh, just so you know, I've started reading for my thesis, which is a critique of the clincial domain of TROPICAL MEDICINE, so most things I post from now until July will probably have something to do with nematodes, intestinal parasites, mean and nasty colonialists and how much the british empire sucked. Fun, eh?


posted by sordaria @ 9:09 AM

Back to Work.

Yep, today it's back to the grindstone. Annie and I have started a new program. We met in the hallway at 8:30, go for a run around the deer park, home, shower, breakfast, library by 10. Home at 6 (or earlier, if I burn out). Today, was day numero uno, and so far, so good. For all you who had bets against us, HA. HA HA HA. I laugh in your general direction.

In other news, the weather is being retarded again today. The clouds are passing over really quickly, meaning we get blazing sunshine one second, followed by a huge rain shower the next, and again into the sun. Ah, the joys of England.
SIGH.

I never really got around to writing all the stuff I learned or thought about last week while I was visiting my family during the funeral of my cousin, but I'll probably get an urge some night to be philosophical, so y'all can look forward to some good ol' fashioned Erica musing later on.

One big shout out to Becca, who is stressing right now over her Thesis, and her life....I know there's not much I can say to make it better, but believe me, when it's over, it'll feel SO SO SO DAMN GOOD for having gone through the crap to get there. I think that's the way it is for a lot of things -- it's only when you go through the worst the you can truely appreciate the other side.

And now, I should stop writing and actually get some work done as it's 10:32 and I have yet to open any books.

Anyone feel free to bug me over msn or aol or icq today. ;)

later dudes
posted by sordaria @ 7:02 AM

Someone tell me something to do with myself this afternoon. It's sunny and raining all at the same time, so I can't really go for a walk, and I'm wasting away the day. Someone do something with me. :(
posted by sordaria @ 9:30 AM

Just back from a few days in Worthing, in the south of England visiting relatives and attending the funeral of my dad's cousin. I've had so many thoughts over the last 2 days...enough to fill a year's worth of journal entries....but now is not the time. I have so much to say, and hopefully I'll convince myself to write them down sometime soon.
But right now, I need to detox. Sex and the City, here I come.
posted by sordaria @ 5:04 PM

Hmmm.

That's a sound of contemplation. Lots of drama around tonight, nothing involving my life directly, but inflicting on those I care about, which gets me to thinking about why it's only in times of trouble and insecurity that we tell people how great we think they really are (or, in my case, also in circumstances involving lots of alcohol). I guess if we told them all the time it would become old, and sound insincere. But it's sad that something bad or unsettling has to happen for us to tell the other how marvelous a person we think they really are, and it's not just to cheer them up. It starts out as that perhaps, but then turns into a definite "This is how I think but just haven't gotten around to saying" type thing.
Anyway, I think I should work on that.
posted by sordaria @ 7:23 PM

Okay, I totally live in the GHETTO.
Cowley road is great because there's always interesting things going on like people getting mugged and thrown over bridges or druken people getting beat up in side streets across from my house. Or like last night, when at 4 in the morning my peaceful sleep was interupted by a screaming, high pitched non-relenting alarm which came wailing into my brain yelling "You live in the ghetto! Ha! Stupid you!" I heard some drunk (probably) dude walk by and yell at it "SHUUUUUUDDDUUUUPPPPP!" which of course did nothing for the alarm but sure made me feel better...now I had not only screaming alarms but screaming drunk people to listen to. Finally after 10 minutes or so (but what felt like a year and a day) it stopped, leaving nothing but the peaceful, serene sound of the buses driving below my window and random yellings from the side streets.
Ah...Cowley Road.
posted by sordaria @ 6:07 AM

Oh god...now I've done it.
I've just come home from dinner and a movie with friends...it's 1:21am....have talked to my parents about going to visit family in a few days and go to a funeral....and have just pressed play on Jeff Buckley's rendition of Hallelujah.
That was not a good plan, but for some reason I did it, and now I'm sucked in.
Ever know a song that could strike you down with just one line? This song makes me want to curl up in my bed and cry for hours....I don't even need a reason to cry...it's just got that feel to it. When I first got back here after Christmas, I heard a phrase....just one line of this song drift out of a passing car window. I stopped dead on the sidewalk and it took some severe grappling with my emotions to get my feet to start walking down the road again...I know it's not just because this is one of the most beautiful voices singing one of the most beautiful songs I've ever known...it's also because I can picture one specific place in my mind where I last listened to this song. It also has the Pam-Jeff Buckley link, that just reminds me of how much I miss my girls.
I think songs have a way of taking you back in a way nothing else can....more so than a smell, or a certain sight, or a random sound....because, ultimately, songs have the capacity to govern our moods....if I'm crying or laughing or up or down is directly dependent on what I'm listening to.
And right now, I can't really talk about it.
For not being able to talk about it, I've sure rambled enough though.
Sweet dreams you guys. Goodnight.
posted by sordaria @ 10:00 PM

Am becoming more hardcore in my old age.
Most people mellow out, but I think I may have gone through my mellow stage already....I mean, don't get me wrong. Nora Jones, Ronan Keeting and Ben Harper still get megaplay on little laptop speakers, but more and more now I find myself listening to music that would drive my parents screaming into the basement.
Incubus, NIN, Three Days Grace, Linkin Park....what has got into me? Is it possible to go through your rebellious years once you've already left home and no longer have anyone left to rebel against?
Or maybe this is all YOUR fault. Yup, I think that's probably it. You know who you are.
:)

(I'm writing this after realizing that I have been listening to Just Like You by Three Days Grace on repeat for the last half hour....dear god....time to get out of the house)


posted by sordaria @ 10:26 AM

Well, it's sunday.
I haven't posted in a while, and funnily enough, that's actually a sign that things are going well. :)
I find I post more when I'm stressed, or unhappy or confused...generally when I need to work things through in my mind, and the last few days have been a complete break from this. I finished my work for the term on tuesday, and then just had a few random classes until friday when term ended, and so I've finally returned to normalacy again...enjoying life and its relaxed nature again. :)
So, what have I been up to rather than school work? WELL...
Tuesday afternoon after class went for drinks at this swank but cheap bar called the Duke of Cambridge with my classmates and Annie, then had dinner at this charming little french bistro next door to the bar with phil, morgan and annie...then off to Along Came Polly to laugh at stupidness and let the world fall off my shoulders.
Wednesday afternoon I didn't know what to do with myself -- I went to the library, but then realized I had nothing to do there, and so after hanging around for an hour reading old emails, I staggered out, and wandered aimlessly around Oxford and into book stores until finding my way home. Went to a birthday party for my friend's Dad that night....laughed until I had to hold onto the wall for support.
Thursday, I spent the afternoon with Meredith. We played some basketball on the tennis courts of her college and talked about life while shooting hoops -- extrememly therapeutic, and I highly recommmend it. I'll do it again as soon as it FRICKIN' STOPS RAINING (which I doubt it ever will). Then we wandered off to find some food, eating a wonderful midafternoon lunch in an upstairs hideaway cafe called The Nosebag, then did a bit of shopping. That night we went to see 21 grams -- good movie, but DON'T watch it unless you're already in a really good, uplifted mood, because it brings you to depths of saddness and depression I haven't seen in a movie before, except for maybe in In The Bedroom. that night it SNOWED and was freezing, and as the movie theatre is a good half an hour walk from my house, I ended up crashing at a friend's place down the road from the theatre for the night. Thank goodness for warm tea, comfy air mattresses, and good friends that are always happy to help you out and put you up for the night. Thanks dude. :)
Friday and saturday night were...well, friday and saturday night. Lots of partying, as is normal for end-of-term. Friday night we went to a bop at Green College, and saturday to St. John's and then to Linacre, where we danced up a storm and met some very interesting (and huge) people. Saturday daytime I spent at the women's varisty football games (GO ANNIE GO!!!), snapping pictures and getting hailed on. I swear, English weather is more changable than newfoundland's. It's CRAZY. First thing it was sunny, then it HAILED and then it rained, then went through that cycle all over again, just as we had begun to dry off from the first bout of it. May have pnemonia....will let you know.

And now it's sunday, and it's raining, and I'm just sitting in my room, reading Margaret Atwood, burning a vanilla candle, thinking about life (again), and writing a novel for a blog entry.
Listening to a CD I burnt back in the summer between third and fourth year....reminds me of Emily and the summer that was, and also, the song that is playing right now takes me back to grade 11....the song is Sentimental Little Boy, by an old, old friend who is god knows where right now, but whether he is, I'm sure he's doing wonderfully. He's one of these people that, though he easily gets himself into fixes, can always work his way out of them, often just on faith alone. I envy him that, a little bit.
i think it's time to stop now.
Thanks for listening to the rambles.
posted by sordaria @ 10:15 AM

Not feeling overly inspired to write anything today. No real reason, just incredibly lazy.

I did manage to get out to the parks yesterday and take some photos, so there's so new material on my deviant art page if anyone's interested in checking it out. (that's the deviantart lillybell link on the side there).

Anyone wanna go get some coffee? I'm BORED.
posted by sordaria @ 10:34 AM

Sun was out when I woke up this morning.
It's clouding over again now, but I least I saw it.

New day, last tuesday of term...printing essays, paying bills, 2 hours of class, possibly movie tonight with Annie.....
I'm tired and I'm ready for this to be over. Just a few more days until break starts.

There's a Barenaked ladies song that's called "The Humour of the Situation" about always just finding the humour in whatever stupid or bad situation you're in....and just letting yourself laugh about it. Ha ha ha. Feeling a little better now. :)
posted by sordaria @ 7:03 AM

Okay. That was the cruelest thing EVER life....ever feel like your life is a game and someone is enjoying just jerking you around? I swear, that's been my life recently.
Not giving any details on this one...but MAN, I'm so pissed off at life/fate/powers that be right now.

Wish I was 2 so I could through a proper tempertantrum at the stupidness of this situation.

posted by sordaria @ 1:20 PM

Know what I hate? Broken clothes dryers.
Know what else I hate? Small dorm rooms with not enough space to drap two loads worth of wet clothing to dry.
Know what else else I hate? Washing your one set of bedsheets, then finding out the dryer is broken and then having no bedsheets to sleep in.

AAAARRRRGGGHHHH.
posted by sordaria @ 4:50 PM

BLADES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WOO-HOO!!!!!
We bumped yesterday again, and that's 4 bumps in 4 days, which means we got BLADES!!!! (which is going to result in a huge frickin' shipping bill back to Canada.....da well).

And so last night...we celebrated. :)
Had a big curry dinner in a restaurant packed with rowers, drank copious amounts of alcohol, stumbled down to another bar wrapped around my fellow crew members, shouting and being generally rambunctious, drank more and told everyone how much I loved them....went back to college and danced it up, stumbled my way to another college to find a friend and wandered around their huge party until found them...then danced all night there drinking some random cocktails and sucking on lollipops (don't ask me why they were at the party...I dunno).
Anyway, this morning I happily am not hungover, just tired and with a small headache...hopefully nothing that a little excedrin and buckets of coffee can't cure because now I'm off to the library. Crap.

But DAMN GOOD DAY YESTERDAY!!!
posted by sordaria @ 6:37 AM

Okay. T minus 2hours, 45 minutes until race time.
I've been listening to Ice Cube "Put yo' ass into it" all morning.
I am so ready to do this

Hahaha...party on wayne. I'm SO pumped right now.....
posted by sordaria @ 8:15 AM

So, I was a big geek tonight and stayed home to do work while the rest of the world went out and partied.
It was a necessary evil.

But let me update you on the rowing before I pass out (it's 10pm...and I'm exhausted and heading to bed...that might tell you something about the reason why I didn't go out tonight).
Sooo...we bumped again today!! One more and we...oops...don't want to jinx it. Eek.
Today's bump was AWESOME...it was actually an overbump, meaning we bumped a crew 2 crews ahead of us. We were chasing Jesus, but they bumped Merton before we caught them, and so were out of the race. We were then left chasing Merton, who was a good length and a bit ahead of us...we closed fast though, and bumped them just before the gut, giving us our third bump of Torpids. Being in the middle of the boat, I have no conception of how close we are to anything, and so just rely on the snipets of yelling I hear from the bank, the tauntings my cox gives the other cox when we get close, and the gasping of breath and the frantic pounding of oars I can hear when we get close to the other boat. Basically, I just pull like mad until they tell me to stop. It's great fun. And DAMN PAINFUL.
Tommorrow though, damn the pain. We are SO close, and if I have to be carried out of the boat on a stretcher after the race, so be it. Once again, we're chasing Jesus. Watch out, ladies.

posted by sordaria @ 6:41 PM

Bottling stuff up inside you is bad, right?
But what if letting it out is worse?
posted by sordaria @ 8:43 PM

"I've never coxed a woman's crew with more BALLS!"

This statement sprang from the lips of our cox today, after bumping (YAY) Corpus Christi a good 3/4 or more of the way up the tracklength. We had overlap on their boat from about 2 minutes in, and chased them the whole way....now THAT was pain. But friggin' invigorating...holy crap, I have never felt so tired and so energetic all at the same time.

Tommorrow, we chase Jesus!
(it's true...Jesus College...it's going to be kinda funny yelling, Fucking Conceed Jesus! I've fuckin' got you Jesus!" Oh dear....;)
posted by sordaria @ 12:56 PM

WOO-HOO!!!
Day one of Torpids has ended and we have come out victorious! We caught St. Anne's college less than 500 metres after the start gun...it was amazing! We didn't even have time to start feeling tired...we bumped them before the pain could set in, which was GREAT! :)

It was the most incredible feeling though....the start gun almost made me jump out of the boat, first of all...
Then we were moving, powering through the water...and suddenly, even though I couldn't see them, I KNEW we were getting closer to St. Anne's...I could hear the splash off another boat's oars, heavy breathing and shouting....which caused each of us to push even harder...someone shouted "OVERLAP!" from the bank....our cox shouted yelling "Concede St. Anne's...do you want me to put a hole in your boat?" And then a shout went up, Tim (cox) yells "We've Bumped!" and we all broke out into huge smiles and paddled to the side of the river, out of the way of the rest of the sculls.

To bump within 2 minutes is incredible....but now we have to forget that, and it all starts again tommorrow at 2:30. Any of you back home, think of me at 11am....I'll be the one shaking in excitment and fear, waiting for the canon to fire.


posted by sordaria @ 1:20 PM

Yesterday morning I woke up about half an hour beford my alarm went off, so I started dozing, going in and out of conciousness. It's such a weird state to be in, because dreams somehow seem so much more real when you're that close to conciousness. At some point in that grey area between sleeping and awakening, a dream exploded into my brain -- and exploded would be the right word for it, because the image it was showing suddenly burst into my head and sent my emotions spinning. It was a set of pictures of one of my worst fears.....to anyone that didn't know me, the images would seem benign...interesting, but complacid. It completely shook me though, and I woke up immediately, feeling like the world was actually about to collapse and there was no time for Chicken Little to go warn the king. The worst part is that the pictures I saw were on a backdrop that has an actual physical reality in the real world, and I checked it multiple times yesterday to make sure it really was just a dream....but every time I went there I feel my heart drop into my stomach and the hair rise on my arms....I'm so afraid those pictures will appear, and my world will change it's meaning.


In other news, Torpids (the rowing races) begins today! I race at 2:30 every day between now and saturday, so if you're in the area, come down and watch us play bumper boats with 20 000 pound boats!! WOO=HOO!!! :)
posted by sordaria @ 5:25 AM

I have recently rediscovered my Counting Crows CD -- August and Everything After. I had forgotten how much I loved these songs, and how they make me feel.....most of these songs are wrapped up in memories of my undergraduate life and certain people there who used to play them on their guitars late at night in their dorm rooms with all of us sitting on beds or floors or minifridges.
In a way, I can't believe that part of my life is already over and done -- If someone offered me the chance to back and relive those 4 years, I'd jump at the chance...just to be with all those people again, to see those buildings, to laugh like that and to sit in the sun on my front steps and have the boys tramp down the stairs from above, bringing out their guitars and beers.
I also miss a blue and white checked comforter that meant comfort. And security. And unwavering friendship.
I miss so much about those days....and I can't believe that I've let myself lose touch with the people that were my flesh and blood for some of the most important and memorable years, months, days and minutes of my life so far.

If you guys don't all show up to the reunion in 2008 you're in SO MUCH TROUBLE. ;)
posted by sordaria @ 6:45 AM