Life as a Science

Today I got a massive endorphin release. Not from working out, or from receiving a bouquet of flowers (sniff sniff), or from seeing a hot guy (haha), but from finally seeing the light on a frustrating problem our group was working on all morning. After over an hour of drawing and erasing diagrams, scrambling through books and notes, deciphering 'google-ed' info and shouting answers and questions around the table, getting more and more frustrated as we THINK we understood it but then got progressively more confused....FINALLY...it clicked. The damn pathway is beautiful. Yes, I just said beautiful. And to make me even more of a geek, I'm actually talking about the pathway that causes massive diarrhea and acidiosis in people with cholera.
The body is amazing. I know, I'm a dork. But it freakin' amazes me.
If people could only see how incredibly complex we are...how regulated, how controlled, how the most incredible machines function at the most microscopic level....seriously....when I actually sit down and really let myself think about it, I am just awed. It makes me appreciate my body so much more...and makes me want to take care of myself better, as well. My poor little cells are trying so hard! haha.
It just seems to me that I don't have to look elsewhere to find wonder and magic and things to 'believe in'. Life at the microscopic level gives me all the wonder I need.

Man...I'm getting dorkier and dorkier by the day. hahahahahahaa....you love me anyway, right? Right?? How come you're walking away....hmmm...hahaahaa. ;)
posted by sordaria @ 7:06 PM

Today I met with a patient. A real, living, breathing, human being. This was my second such encounter, where I played the role of first year medical student honing my interview skills by practicing them on a willing patient in the hospital or clinic, waiting to be seen by the REAL doctor. Because of confidentiality issues, I can't say anything about their conditions or life stories, even if I withhold names..... but I wish I could. Their stories -- just these two individuals -- have awed me. I've been told such personal details......how hard it was coping, what their addictions were, what they fear, what their goals are -- details from the intimacies of the bowels, to the intimacies of the heart and head. They tell all this openly to me -- to ME. Who am I? No one yet. Simply a first year student. It amazes me that I'm given this opportunity to look so closely into someone else's life...that I can share with them things their best friends might not know. It's a priviledge.....it's a priviledge to learn about life this way. Life as an invalid, life as a drug addict, life as a survivor, life as someone who has gone through hell, and is now back to tell their story. This is life. And it amazes me.

I love thursday afternoons. They remind me why I'm stressing myself out learning about osmolarity of body compartments and embryological development. There is a real reason -- and today it was sitting next to me on a chair, laughing.
posted by sordaria @ 12:04 AM

One thing this blog is good for is keeping track of my life. I just checked back to see what i was up to on this day last year and the year before...apparently, it was today, two years ago, that I arrived in Ottawa, en route to England. It was my first day away from home at the start of that trip...my first day meeting the new canadian rhodies...the first day of exploring this city completely on my own. I remember that day so well. I arrived in Ottawa around 8:30am, and had about 10 hours to kill until meeting the other canadians for dinner. I set out to explore the city. I walked along Sparks street, checking out the coffee shops and busy streets, and the funny statue of a grizzly bear that adorns one end. Using a large stone map of the city to find my bearings, exploring the parliament buildings and marvelling at the architecture, unaware of the majesty I was about to see in the streets of Oxford. I walked along the canal a bit. I remember making an important phone call from a payphone in the middle of the street, standing next to a pigeon. I remember the scarf I was wearing.
I walked down to the museum of nature in an attempt to see the dinosaurs, and had a bagel at The Great Canadian Bagel -- I didn[t like eating it alone, though.
I just remember feeling so excited the whole day...an entire day to explore, to find my way, all by myself. Although, I do remember wishing someone else was there with me, to see it all with me.

it's crazy to think that that was the beginning of my two years in England...and that that time is now over. This is the first time I've thought much about Oxford in the past little while -- I've been much too busy. Man....I miss it. It's hard to describe...but I really miss the feel of living there. It's just so different.....and so amazing. So easy to take for granted when you're there..... but tonight I miss it. I even miss Cowley road and magdalen Bridge. Never ever thought I'd say that.

Weird.
posted by sordaria @ 12:50 AM

Being given the opportunity to help someone is the best gift you can be given. Even if that opportunity means you have to stop trying to help. It still makes you feel better to know you're doing something...by doing nothing.
Nothing more, that is, than saying you care, and then stepping back.

Lessons from life as a medical student.
posted by sordaria @ 12:51 AM

Remember that rain I was talking about last night? The soothing sound of it on my windowpane as I drifted off into a blissful sleep?
Yeah. Well, now that rain has reached hurricane proportions and I'm gonna have to swim to school. Great.
posted by sordaria @ 9:21 AM

You'd think I"d be sick of it by now. This 'Staind' song, I mean -- 'right here'. It's on the radio about 10 times a day.
And yet...I'm not. I am incapable of getting sick of it. I'm not sure what it is....I love the sound of it...I love his voice...prolly it's the lyrics. Ever find a song where you're like, 'man...that must have been written for me. That's my life.'
It's like the band looked into my brain, into my life, and wrote a song to describe a certain part of it. I love it.

But now they're playing Vertical HOrizon, so I htink it's time to turn off The Bear FM and go to sleep.

Oh....in other words, I'm psychic. I had a feeling all weekend that something was wrong...that something bad had happened to someone I care about, and I was right. They're sick....I don't know how sick, hopefully it's just a flu. But I could feel it for 2 days before I found out this afternoon. I think it's because it's someone I really care about and so I'm always just worried about them and hoping they avoid the accidents on the road on their way to work...and that they sleep okay..and so I was just extra worried this weekend when I hadn't heard from them...anyway, rambling. Sometimes I can tell how much I care about someone when I realize how much it affects me when they're down....how much I want to stop my life, make 8 buckets of chicken noodle soup, walk 10 miles to their house, bundle them up in blankets in front of the tv, and just take care of them. I'm hoping it's this very feeling that will make me a good doctor -- this ache I'm feeling right now cause I'm not able to do anything to help....and how much I want to. I just want to make it all better. :)

Hey...the rain just started outside the window. It's a really heavy shower...I love the way that sounds against the glass. It's my third favorite sound to fall asleep to. The second is the waves of the ocean landing on a beach. The first is the sound of someone else's quiet breathing.
posted by sordaria @ 1:09 AM

Tonight was weird.
Simply just weird.

I went out to a local bar called Griffins with a bunch of school friends. I had a great time, and was dancing it up on the dance floor, and walking around the bar laughing and drinking with everyone.

And then it started to happen. I started getting hit on. Profusely. And, not surprising, always by older men. I'm not sure what it is with older guys and tall women. I just wish it would hit guys when they were younger -- that they fall in love with tall women. haha.

Anyway, it crossed a line though. There's the nice feeling you get from being hit on -- even if you have no interest in the guy, he worked up the courage to say something nice to you, and it makes you feel attractive and pretty. However...it crosses a line. WHich it did for me twice tonight. Three times I got majorly hit on, and only one was moderately enjoyable (not the same thing as interesting..I was intereted in the guy at all.....just he was pleasant and nice...not smoothering and weird..and left shortly after I said thanks, but no thanks, as nicely as I could). Of the other two, one just kept holding my hand a lot longer than I had wished, and the second was downright aggressive. He was adament that he was in love with me from the moment he saw me, that I was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, and that he wanted to take me back to Kenya and make me into the Queen of Kenya because he was a prince. Prince or no prince, I have rarely been so uncomfortable in a conversation. I don[t konw what it was...I think it was his persistence and the aggression I could feel through his arm as he wrapped it tightly around my neck, forcing me to bend down to his height to hear him.

So at the end of the night, I'm left with a weird feeling. In one way, I feel attractive, and am happy for that. In the other way, I feel disgusting, annoyed and frustrated that I have to endure that when I go out.

I don't want this post to sound egotistical....I don't want it to be an actual reflection on me...just on the behaviour I witnessed tonight...and how it's making me feel so uncomfortable stlil, as i lie here alone and safe in my bed.
posted by sordaria @ 4:01 AM

Okay, so school has begun getting stressful.....today's two two-hour lectures basically summed up the entire nervous system...histology and anatomy....and left me saying 'uh...come again?'
Yes, my weekend will involve many hours at the library. I can see it now.

In other news, still having a great time. Making some good good friends in my class and still getting to know people better. Getting more comfy with my roomates -- one of the guys is gonna teach me to play squash!

And I'm happy. As Linz told me, 'Just because you're nervous, doesn't mean anything bad is going to happen.' I think the same holds true for insecurity. Just because I''m insecure doesn't mean there's a reason for me to be. It's just my brain thinking too much on something. When I really sit back and just let it be, I'm happier than I've been in a long, long time. :)
posted by sordaria @ 12:48 AM

I've become obsessed with the new Stained song...I'm not sure what it's called but I think it's prolly 'Right here waiting.' And no, it's not a Richard Marx remake. Thank God. :)

'You're so independent, you just refuse to bend. So I keep bending 'til I break.'

'I've got some imperfections, but how can you collect them all and throw them in my face?'

'But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting'

Just hits a chord.
posted by sordaria @ 12:18 PM

Hey you.
It's been forever.
I'm in Ottawa.
It's a blast and a half.
I've been toga-ing, beer-boating, cosmic bowling-ing, semi-formally-ing and some medical learn-ing.

But enough about me. How have YOU been?
posted by sordaria @ 8:24 PM