Life as a Science

It's funny how easily you can get yourself freaked out over something that's really not all that crazy. It's so easy to overreact, to exaggerate the situation, to imagine all your walls falling down, when really, no one's chizzling away at them.
Maybe that just shows you how important it is to you....when your stomach turns inside out at the thought that it wasn't what you thought.

Silly brain.
:)



P.S. Lesley -- I'm thinking about you....and wishing and hoping with everything I've got.
posted by sordaria @ 9:36 PM

This morning I saw two squirrels chasing each other on the way to my lecture. Well, they weren't so much chasing each OTHER per see, one was actually chasing the other one...well...you get the picture. They were so funny. I stopped walking and just watched them, smiling and laughing to myself.

I think people thought I was a little derranged.



That is all.
posted by sordaria @ 1:23 PM

I've got this song that just makes me want to say, "yeah, it's all going to be alright."

Sometimes I listen to the opening refrain, and I want to cry. It's when I'm tired, or stressed, or sad, and I want to get to that place -- to that place where everything IS okay, and I'm relaxed, and happy and seeing how beautiful life is again. This morning, I wasn't there. Now, after a finished essay, and a walk through the woods, I'm most definitely back.

After finishing my essay, I went and bought a baguette sandwich (yum) and strolled on down to Magdalene College, where I walked through archways in century-old stone walls, along corridors walked along for hundreds of years, past the sound of a organ echoing from the chapel, emerging into the back meadow, through a blue iron gate, reaching the river. Taking a left, I walk along the worn dirt path, arched by trees, their canopies stretching above and around me, so sunlight twinkles in inbetween their leaves, shifting patterns on the forest floor. To my right is the deer park -- the deer are all along the opposite slide, about a kilometer away, and I can see them just standing around feeding...calmly meandering here and there, finding the juicest pieces of grass. I walk on along the path which winds around the deer field, keeping the river on my left. Eventually I feel as if I'm the only person alive -- the only person who sees how that tree stump has errupted into a feathery halo of leaves, how red the leaves on that tree are...how the grass below it is like a carpet spreading out...a light fluffy green. I feel as if I've stepped through the mists of avalon...it's got that kind of mystical feel about it.

The trees are alive with grey squirrels, and every bush and grass stand rustles as I pass, concealing some furry or feathered creature.

I round a corner, to find there's now a privately-owned meadow on the other side of the river. A black kitten is running along the edge on her side, keeping pace with me as I walk along mine. I stop briefly to watch the kitten, and it stops as well. When I continue on, she starts again. We stay like this for a while, until she runs off, chasing some invisible bird or mouse.

I reach the opposite side of the deer park, to where the deer are close to the fence, feeding together, feeling the safety their numbers empart. I have caught up with a couple in front of me, who have paused as the girl reaches down to pick a bouquet of coloured leaves off the ground. The boy smiles friendily at me as I pass, then returns is look to his girlfriend, who is smiling up at him. I continue on past them, who resume their walk, hand in hand.

I round the final corner and find myself back at the blue gate. I am a little sad to leave it, but as I am stopping to take a last look, I notice a family up ahead, a father with his small child on his shoulders, the mother walking along, glancing up at her husband and child, who is laughing and bouncing up and down. The father puts the child down as they walk through the gate, and as soon as he reaches the ground, he turns and runs back down the path towards the deer park. Watching his curls bounce and his eyes light up as he returns to the path, I smile. I know how he feels.

posted by sordaria @ 2:39 PM

Okay..new day! The sun was out today, so I'm in a much better mood. Sorry about all the whining last time...sometimes when you're down, you're just down, and stuff gets to you in ways it never would if you were not tired and getting sick and missing people. So! What's new? WELL...I got up at 5:30 this morning to go rowing!! Yes...it was early. Yes....it was dark. Very dark. But honestly, watching the sun come up over the river is a pretty amazing experience....one that I'm not too upset to have to repeat. HOWEVER, walking alone down to the boathouse on a pitch black trail with scary bushes on one side and the open river on the other is not something I necessarily relished. Thank goodness for the coming of daylight savings and the mornings getting lighter earlier.

I'm currently doing a lot of reading on a rather gross topic for an essay I have to write. So, if any of you have any questions about diarrheal diseases, lemme know!!! Yeah...only a biologist would find this stuff interesting....man oh man I'm a dork... :)

Oh, and ps., I love MSN and what it lets me do.
posted by sordaria @ 5:57 PM

I don't know what's wrong with me. I think I'm going to blame Sara's "third week" syndrome, although I'm definitely into my fourth week....so it's not PMS, but mabye AMS (A=actual, or Anal-retentive, or asinine). I just feel like breaking into tears, and I'm not sure why. It's like there's this feeling of impending doom weighing down on my heart, and I'm just not sure where it's coming from...I'm probably just tired. I hope so, anyway. I hope this is not psycho-girl erica starting to rear her ugly head, getting mad and upset over stupid things I shouldn't get mad about, letting little things people do or say when they too are tired, frustrated or mad bother me, letting myself get really upset at feeling completely stupid. Letting myself feel completely stupid in the first place.

I couldn't even begin to explain to you "what's wrong" right now. I think if I did I would just end up making someone feel bad for not even doing anything wrong, just my interpretation of it....man, I should really stop writing and just get my ass in bed.
I guess, just sometimes, there's people that you never ever want to hear snap at you, because you don't want to imagine them ever being mad at you. You know that it will happen at some point, there's no way that you'll never get on each other's nerves, or step on each other's toes, or just have differing points of view, but still, just to hear it in their voice sends you cowering into some deeper recess within yourself, and all you can do after that is softly and coldly mutter, "yes", "no", "nothing's wrong". Because you desperately want there to be nothing wrong -- you desperately want to shrug it off, make sure it's no big deal, not look like the insecure, sensitive fool that you sometimes are. But sometimes, with some people, you just drop all your shields, opening yourself up completely, which leaves you completely vulnerable to both the big hurts, and the small, insignificant ones.
Okay, that's it. I'm going to bed to read Bridget Jones. That should put me in perspective. Geesh. :)

A little Teardrop should fix this.
Goodnight.

posted by sordaria @ 7:43 PM

Have realized that can write a passing essay in a matter of a few hours -- is very good thing to remember for future.

Have started reading Bridget Jones: the edge of reason, and now write as if in book. vg.

ANYWAY...my cousin and her boyfriend came up to visit me today, and took me out for lunch. I can't even describe how wonderful it was to see them -- to have a FAMILIAL visit....there's something about being with someone who shares in someway your own blood when you're so far from home...anyway, it was a wonderful afternoon. It even involved a chocolate brownie, which was DA BOMB.

Last night the college put off Ocktoberfest....a few of us girls signed up to go. What a time...for one, we were pretty much the only girls there. It was basically all-you-can-glug beer and all-you-can-swallow meat (sausage, schiznel, more sausage), sourkraut, potatos, and salad. After one pint, I began to feel a little hot...after two, I realized I was feeling a little detached from reality, after three, everything suddenly became HILLARIOUS, and I cried, I was laughing so hard at absolultely nothing. The American boys next to us must have thought we were crazy -- being smashed after a few beers at dinner is not something I like to boast about, but damn, it was fun. :) And THEN, weirdness of weird, we walked home carrying our plastic beer cups...you can walk around with open liquor here! GO BRITS!!!

Still have not tried the deep fried mars bars. Could be the reason am still alive.

I have rowing practice tommorrow morning. At 7:30. Is going to suck because it takes me half an hour just to get to the boathouse. Early mornings here I come!

OH! And am going to Buckingham Palace tommorrow!!! Gonna have a little chat with Lizzie. I hope I can sit on the throne.....

Oh, and one last thing -- it's the most wonderful feeling in the world to be half awake, thinking about someone and then suddenly having your phone ring and hear their voice on the other side. It drives away the lonelies. :)
posted by sordaria @ 5:17 PM

Okay, who ever said all it does in England is rain is on crack. That, or he/she was crying all the time. The weather is BEAUTIFUL!!! It's rained, like, TWICE since I've been here! WAHOO!

Now that I've said this, of course, it'll start pouring down rain....good thing I always carry my umbrella!!!
posted by sordaria @ 8:00 AM

Okay, so it's been a little while since I posted. Two and a half -ish weeks I'd guess, although it seems more like a lifetime. So what has happened? Well, I'm in oxford, and trying desperately to adjust....there's so much to say, and no possible way to say it all. So, here's a little list of stuff I've picked up so far. Enjoy. :)
1. Oxford is a city of castles. The colleges are huge...with big stone walls and huge gates...towers and chapels and gargoyles...it really is incredible. I can't help but stare all the time.
2. Trying not to get hit by cars and bikes is a full time job.
3. Say TROUSERS instead of PANTS. PANTS apparently means underwear. Ooops.
4. Everyone here will assume you're american until you correct them. Say "eh" as much as possible.
5. Oxford is a university that has a great reputation...but once you get here....well....honestly, it's not really that great of an institution. It's confusing and poorly organized..they don't tell you anything and nothing is clear. It's kinda like living in the chinese communist system where you don't really know all the rules but still get punished it you break them.
6. I joined the rowing team at my college. I'm super stoked!!! Yay for 6am!!! (riiiight)
7. Going for a pint is normal way to end a lecture or a seminar. Apparently the best learning is done while drunk. The british finally got something right!!
8. Deep fried mars bars. Don't ask.
9. Calling down the street is more expensive then calling across the ocean. Go figure.
10. Central heating is a luxury.
11. Soccer = football. I've been told MANY MANY times. And watching a rugby or football game is a more than acceptable excuse for not getting your essay done.
12. This "independent work" idea thing is actually not as hard as I thought.

Man, there's SO much more....I haven't even scratched the surface...but I guess that'll all come out soon enough.
I really am starting to enjoy it here. I went to a dinosaur museum today FOR FREE...and walked along the river by a field of deer...and along century old lanes bordered by giant buildings from the 1300's....
This is such a different world....not even remotely comparable with the one I've left.
It's amazing, but is definitely missing some key features from home....crashing waves, ocean sunsets, my family, my friends, and the feel of someone's arms....

I wish you were here.


posted by sordaria @ 7:39 PM