Life as a Science

Well, this is it. I leave in a matter of hours...well, 6:10am...which is technically tommorrow, but since I don't plan on sleeping tonight, it seems like just a continuation of today.

The anticipation of tonight is extreme....to see a face I've been thinking of constantly for the past 6 days finally appear in the flesh in front of me, even if only for a very short time...this is intense, people, INTENSE!!!

And the packing...I think I'm ready. I know I'm bringing too much stuff. I can't help it -- I want to have my cool fish photo frame...and my pictures of my sushi-making party..and of the "who cares" boat...and my letters and sweaters and CDs and jewelery boxes and...man, girls have too much stuff. That's all. Girls in general. It can't possibly be just ME. At least I HOPE not....

Well, I must get back to packing. Woopie!!

Catch y'all on the other side. England, prepare yourself. :)
posted by sordaria @ 8:05 PM

pack pack pack pack pack

Trying to fit everything important to me into 2 bags is a rather difficult process...but also gets me to thinking that I have way too much crap in my life....if I can live without it, why do I have it? And why is it that the few things I really can't live without, can't possibly come with me?

They need to create person-sized suitcases, complete with oxygen tank and food rations.
posted by sordaria @ 4:46 PM

The most important song to me right now.

Massive Attack (featuring Portishead) - Teardrop

Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word
Fearless on my breath
Gentle impulsion
Shakes me makes me lighter
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

Nine night of matter
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

Water is my eye
Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath
Teardrop on the fire of a confession
Fearless on my breath
Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

Stumbling a little
Stumbling a little


posted by sordaria @ 6:04 PM

ouch.

I knew that was coming -- I could see it looming in front of me, but chose to ignore it, to pay no attention to it...for weeks...but now it's right there...it just smacked me right in the head...or in the heart, I should say.

It would hurt less had I not enjoyed so much these last few moments, lived for them, let myself fall so deeply into them....
..and yet, I wouldn't give them up for the world...not even if it meant I wouldn't feel so ripped apart right now....they're worth every bit of....of this crappiness. ;)

This sucks, yeah, you're right. But, it's okay -- you're right there too.

It'll be okay.


posted by sordaria @ 3:09 PM

Well, all I can say is, I've got myself some great ass amazing friends.

The kind that will NOT let you mope, will NOT accept you being down, will NOT let you sit and be sad, even though you're being a total crappy buttmunch with mood swings who should be locked in a room until she stops being such a dufus.

Thanks ladies, for sticking with me, through all my stupid ups and downs, and for understanding why....

And for you, squeegie (hahaha), thanks for making my moods always turn in the upwards direction -- Mi rendete il sorriso, il mio amore.

posted by sordaria @ 2:14 PM

It's funny how sometimes saddness and joy can entwine themselves so deeply until you don't know which one is which...
posted by sordaria @ 1:26 PM

Ever want someone else to be happy so badly that you'd hold your breath until you started to pass out and your face turned blue?
I've got everything crossed for you (which makes it very hard to type, by the way), but whatever happens, I've got your back, yo.
(yeah, I'm wit it)

posted by sordaria @ 11:29 PM

"Stacey's mom has got it going on."
This is honestly the song that's on the radio right now.
It's all about a MILF. This is possibly the funniest song I have ever heard in my life.

Except for possibly the NF rendition of "I'm an Arsehole" at O'Reilly's last night. That, also, made me fall off of my chair.
posted by sordaria @ 6:12 PM

Now THAT'S good food for the soul.
Sometimes nights turn out in ways you thought unimaginable...so much better than you could have pictured, more fun and more sweet than anything....

Just call me perma-smile.
posted by sordaria @ 6:29 PM

I hate that I'm letting this get to me this badly.

I hate feeling this way.

Where are you?
posted by sordaria @ 8:00 PM

St. John's contains some random, random people.
Let's take a closer look at last night, shall we?

Random dude #1 -- at Trinity: while I was in the bathroom, Jen was accosted by some tall, lanky 50-year old dude who started talking to her about Newfoundland. When I came over to join/rescue her, he made some slurred comment about being able to look me in the eye, while looking me up and down. Then he definitely started poking me in the stomach saying "Are you real? I'm just poking you to see if you're real." Poke poke poke. Sturdy. He proceeded to tell us all about how he was here from Vancouver Island (but don't go there, because nobody's REAL anymore...whatever that means...) and he had been here for 2 weeks. "Everybody's so nice here...hiccup...you gals come here very often? Newfoundland has some pretty pretty girls...can I be a gentleman? I own a waterski business...nice shirt. I just broke up with my girlfriend -- she dumped me 5 years ago. She's crazy." Right. SHE'S crazy. After talking for a few minutes with my back pressed firmly up against the wall, trying to create the maximize the distance betweem me and his alcohol-pumped up body, we excused ourselves to go "meet some friends" at Lottie's. Apparently we have a "nice aura" about us. Grrrreat. An aura that says "if you're crazy and super drunk and old enough to be our dad, please come talk to us." Sturdy.

Random woman #1 -- Christian's Pub: After consuming a double vodka oj each which definitely contained more vodka than oj, Jen and I took a quick trip to the ladies' room before quitting the premises. Here we met a middle aged woman in a red leather snake-skin coat, who's first line was "Newfoundland girls are the prettiest girls in the world!" She then went on to say how her three year old niece looked JUST like Claudia Schiffer, and told her, "Just don't get fat!!" Riiiiight. And then said we should be supermodels. Riiiight once again. Beer goggles are sweet. :)

Random dude #2 -- Lottie's: while standing on the deck getting tired and ready to go home, some druken lad bumps into me, and apologizes, and then decides this is the perfect opportunity to strike up a suave conversation. "Where you ladies from? hiccup" "From here" "from NB". "NO! I don't believe you -- get out." "uh...yeah..that's where we're from.." "No! Get out..." "uh...yeah..." "NO!" "uh..I'm not sure what else to say.." And walk away "Hey! Where you going? That's not very nice!" Oh dear.

The randoms come out to play on the weekends. I'm just afraid we may actually be part of them without realizing it.
posted by sordaria @ 1:50 PM

Happy thoughts today....

Sunny skies
Double mocha, comfy chairs, good conversation
Blueberry pancakes
Unexpected visitors
The Trews
Vintage clothing store with the COOLEST dresses
Used book store with treasures piled to the ceiling

Very Happy Day.
posted by sordaria @ 6:11 PM

Hello City....

Yes, here I am, in Halifax. The land where all the stores have better selections than at home, I actually have to look both ways before crossing the street, and the question of "what are we going to do tonight" involves more thought than simply saying "let's go downtown."

They're filming a movie down the street from the appartment where I'm staying. Apparently it's only Halifax actors, no Hollywood people, but still, every time we walk by I keep hoping some talent searcher will pop his head out of one of the trailers that line the street and yell, "hey! You with the height! Wanna be in a movie?" Yeah, maybe not so much.

We went to Cora's for brunch this morning. Upon entering I was accosted by a waitress while I was being led to my table who ran up to me and started gushing: "oh my god, how tall are you? I'd LOVE to be that tall...I just want a few more inches..that's so great...oh my god..." and blah blah blah bladdy blah. I mumbled something about trying to find clothes and made my way to the table where my friends were sitting. I'm not sure why people feel it's acceptable to comment on someone's height. You'd never go up to someone and say, "oh my god, how short are you?" or "oh my god, what size pants do you wear?" or "oh my god you've got SUCH nice ears!" Why is it that commenting on a total stranger's height is somehow socially okay? Believe me -- it's not normally welcomed, especially at the incredible rate that it happens.

But anyway, it was a great breakfast. French toast made from cinnamin buns with a mountain of fresh fruit and COFFEE...yes, life is good.

Hello city, indeed.
posted by sordaria @ 12:46 PM

You can't ever go back.

Being invited back to my old home, back to my old "alma matter", was a very strange experience. Strange because it's not really mine anymore. There's 700 new people that just moved in -- someone new in my house, walking into my lab, sitting at my desk at the library....you just realize that after you've left, it shifts, to incorporate the new, and somehow, that just doesn't include you anymore.

It was wonderful, though.
Standing at that podium, looking over a crowd of 700 new faces -- some scared, some excited, some homesick, some cocky, all wondering what was about to happen to them....and all wondering what I was about to say. It's actually really hard to describe -- how amazing it felt to tell them about my experiences, to relive my 4 years, to try to impress upon them what was important, what I had learnt, and how I felt looking at them.
They gave me a standing ovation, and I even had a few students that came up to me afterwards and thanked me for speaking. One girl said it was very inspirational, another was so mad because he didn't get into this first year philosophy course he had wanted to, as I had talked about how my first year philsopohy course had changed my university career...and my life, really. I was floored -- I never thought that I would actually reach anybody....to realize I had done that, had actually inspired someone...that's an incredible feeling.

You can't go back -- but I guess you can still leave something behind.


posted by sordaria @ 5:45 PM

I have a stupid grin on my face that just won't go away today. I'm trying to pack for my trip back to the motherland (aka Sackville) and then on to Halifax, but my mind is on other things...I'm going to end up packing the contents of my fridge if I'm not careful and start paying attention. This is crazy, I know...I mean, I'm leaving so soon...but I can't help it....he's amazing.....and probably reading this (stop looking at your shoes...:)...so I'd better watch my gushing.
Anyway, I have a stupid grin that won't go away.
posted by sordaria @ 9:31 AM

I hate the game. I don't play it well, although I know I play it. Can't call today...because I called yesterday and one wouldn't want to look too eager...can't call exactly at 11, because he'll think I've been sitting waiting until this exact moment to call...must wait until 11:07 or 10:56, to make it look more "spur of the moment"...more nonchalent.
Why do we do this? Why can't people just act how they feel....why do we have to be all "well, whatever, I don't really care, but whatever, if you want to"....probably a mental self-preservation technique. If you never say anything, you can't ever get hurt, right? The one who cares less wins.
But I really don't play it well. I can't help it -- I can't disguise or suppress or ignore this...and I'm running out of time, and every time I work myself up to say something, a valve closes over in my throat. Damn biological preservation.
This is terrifying. And yet, I can't seem to get enough.

posted by sordaria @ 11:55 AM

Grin.

:)
posted by sordaria @ 1:42 PM