Sunday, May 23, 2010
Got myself a Nikon D90.
posted by sordaria @ 6:45 PM
Spent the afternoon taking pictures.
Yea, baby, yea.
:):):)
posted by sordaria @ 6:45 PM
Monday, January 04, 2010
My computer died a few months ago. Considering it was already on it's 4th hard drive in as many years, this didn't come as a huge shock. You'd think then, given it's rocky record, that I would have been intelligent enough to back up all my documents, especially my music and my photos.
posted by sordaria @ 11:34 PM
You'd THINK. ha.
I had, however, been smart enough one year ago to back up my music files.
So, today, I finally sat down and downloaded all my saved music, and all my CDs onto my new beautiful MAC.
The process of this brought me back in contact with music I hadn't listened to in years. I've commented on this blog before about how music triggers my memory. It's almost a gutteral thing -- what is brought to mind by those opening chords is not so much a visual memory as a feeling. I just sit here, music on, and I feel again what it was like to step onto campus for the first time....to sit at Joey's and eat garlic fingers...to walk across the bridge towards the Oxford High Street.
So many of these memories have feelings of limitless freedom associated with them. Of being with friends, of having days and nights open up into amazing tales that we could tell and re tell over and over again.
I miss that.
I miss my friends and my days of total freedom.
New years bring new revelations and new dedications.
I think it's time I dedicated more time to myself, and what I like to do. I have to start writing, start taking photos, start getting out to live music. I have to re-find that feeling that was, the feeling which is now mostly taken over my exhaustion and preparation for work.
I have to re-find the happy.
:)
posted by sordaria @ 11:34 PM
Thursday, June 11, 2009
It's such a helpless feeling when a friend is in chaos. When a friend's life is being fed into the woodchipper by forces well beyond his control. When a few cells get overzealous and start to divide too quickly, and in their fury slip up and make mistakes and create a pulsating monster -- this is chaos. And what can I do? So little. I can answer the phone, stumble over my words as I desperately search for the phrase to describe my ache to comfort. I can hold a hand, wishing desperately for strength to pass through the grip, fearing instead that little will be transferred except for perspiration. I can make dinner, I can give hugs, I can write on a card.
But none of this changes the fact of the chaos. None of it changes the reality.
It's such a helpless feeling.
posted by sordaria @ 8:47 AM
But none of this changes the fact of the chaos. None of it changes the reality.
It's such a helpless feeling.
posted by sordaria @ 8:47 AM
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Feeling lost.
I've been home the last few days, studying hardcore (ie. cramming) for my medical licensing exam next week. The nice thing about this is that I've been able to watch Sex and The City at 8-9 in the morning. It's a nice way to wake up with my coffee. :) It's made me rather homesick for my old life...St. John's, the girls, the randomness of each day, a time when I knew who I was, and did what I loved to do, and was social and fun and had close, dear girlfriends.
Things have changed, and I've been taken over by medicine. I tried to fight it for a while, but now again, as exam time creeps up, I've become once again buried under my books. I've lost "me" -- I don't have any hobbies, any regular activities, and very few close friends that are readily accessible.
Only one more week, and then I'm free until July. One more week, then it's time to reclaim myself.
posted by sordaria @ 12:04 AM
I've been home the last few days, studying hardcore (ie. cramming) for my medical licensing exam next week. The nice thing about this is that I've been able to watch Sex and The City at 8-9 in the morning. It's a nice way to wake up with my coffee. :) It's made me rather homesick for my old life...St. John's, the girls, the randomness of each day, a time when I knew who I was, and did what I loved to do, and was social and fun and had close, dear girlfriends.
Things have changed, and I've been taken over by medicine. I tried to fight it for a while, but now again, as exam time creeps up, I've become once again buried under my books. I've lost "me" -- I don't have any hobbies, any regular activities, and very few close friends that are readily accessible.
Only one more week, and then I'm free until July. One more week, then it's time to reclaim myself.
posted by sordaria @ 12:04 AM
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Holy impressed Batman.
Somewhere, somehow, sometime during the last 2 years...I have moved on.
And when the news arrived today, I felt...nothing. Nothing bad, anyways. In fact, I felt a little soft warm glow somewhere deep in my entrails that he had found his happy ending.
It's such a nice feeling, to have the hurt and shame and loss just evaporate, and to feel only warmth at the memory of what was, and to be able to share in the happiness of someone who once meant the entire world to you.
It's like a happy melancholy.
I'm impressed with me. :)
posted by sordaria @ 9:49 PM
Somewhere, somehow, sometime during the last 2 years...I have moved on.
And when the news arrived today, I felt...nothing. Nothing bad, anyways. In fact, I felt a little soft warm glow somewhere deep in my entrails that he had found his happy ending.
It's such a nice feeling, to have the hurt and shame and loss just evaporate, and to feel only warmth at the memory of what was, and to be able to share in the happiness of someone who once meant the entire world to you.
It's like a happy melancholy.
I'm impressed with me. :)
posted by sordaria @ 9:49 PM
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Okay, I'm a big fat liar.
I said I was ending this, but now that I've been away, I've decided I may have underestimated the therapeutic value of this blog thing.
What do I want to write about tonight. urgh...who knows...I just feel like writing. I have a dear friend who paints to work out his demons...I write. That, or I take pictures. It's a bit late at night to go roaming the streets in search of a canvas, so to the keyboard I go.
I've been itching to write for a while now. I've been ignoring the whole artist side of myself since I started medical school -- so wrapped up in all the new things to learn and study and regurgitate, that I've stopped making time for the things that help me interpret and put these things into the proper perspective and space. I stopped singing, dancing, writing, taking photos......the only thing I managed to keep was the walking. Walking was always my way of taking the time to think over the day, to try to find the answers, or at least enjoy the melancholy of trying to find the answers.
I've started taking a few pictures again....they're not great...but it's a start. P's been encouraging, pointing out how that tree looks amazing against the sky....and so I'm slowly getting there. And yes, I dance now in my living room. I've probably given a few laughs to the people in the house below, but what odds. And I sing in the shower....and hum on the bus. I'm starting to be me again.
There was a time when life was simpler. That sounds horribly cliche, but it's true. Even just 2 years ago....I partied on the weekends, I ate take out food bought from a truck, my decisions were all my own. And now the answers I give are complicated, and wrapped up with other people. They're BIG decisions. Life decisions. Nothing is simple. And while I love where I now am, and who's here with me, despite the complications, there are times when I yearn for the time when everything was easy and shallow. When nothing was forever, and no decision truely mattered -- everything was reversible.
I've noticed the faintest of wrinkles beginning to form at the creases of my eyes.
Laugh lines.
It's weird, getting older.
posted by sordaria @ 1:20 AM
I said I was ending this, but now that I've been away, I've decided I may have underestimated the therapeutic value of this blog thing.
What do I want to write about tonight. urgh...who knows...I just feel like writing. I have a dear friend who paints to work out his demons...I write. That, or I take pictures. It's a bit late at night to go roaming the streets in search of a canvas, so to the keyboard I go.
I've been itching to write for a while now. I've been ignoring the whole artist side of myself since I started medical school -- so wrapped up in all the new things to learn and study and regurgitate, that I've stopped making time for the things that help me interpret and put these things into the proper perspective and space. I stopped singing, dancing, writing, taking photos......the only thing I managed to keep was the walking. Walking was always my way of taking the time to think over the day, to try to find the answers, or at least enjoy the melancholy of trying to find the answers.
I've started taking a few pictures again....they're not great...but it's a start. P's been encouraging, pointing out how that tree looks amazing against the sky....and so I'm slowly getting there. And yes, I dance now in my living room. I've probably given a few laughs to the people in the house below, but what odds. And I sing in the shower....and hum on the bus. I'm starting to be me again.
There was a time when life was simpler. That sounds horribly cliche, but it's true. Even just 2 years ago....I partied on the weekends, I ate take out food bought from a truck, my decisions were all my own. And now the answers I give are complicated, and wrapped up with other people. They're BIG decisions. Life decisions. Nothing is simple. And while I love where I now am, and who's here with me, despite the complications, there are times when I yearn for the time when everything was easy and shallow. When nothing was forever, and no decision truely mattered -- everything was reversible.
I've noticed the faintest of wrinkles beginning to form at the creases of my eyes.
Laugh lines.
It's weird, getting older.
posted by sordaria @ 1:20 AM
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
2008. That's nearly 5 years since I started this blog. I think it's time to end it. I'm slowly transfering the enteries to a more concrete form, and once that's done, I'll remove this from the public domain. This blog has been a huge supportive outlet for me, especially in its first 2 years. The problem is, I disregarded the 'public' aspect of the blog, and wrote as if it was a private journal far too often. I used it to work out my relationship problems, which was unfair to those involved, as I was never as cryptic as I thought I was. It's been of tremendous help, and is now serving as an amazing record of an incredibly important time in my life, but i think it's time it began private territory once again. Thank you all for reading and commenting....your comments will be immortalized along with the journal enteries themselves. :)
It has been amazing however, to re-read my entries. All the same emotions start tumbling back, and I find myself living again in those perfect moments when I first fell in love, and am feeling again the pit in my stomach that was left after all had ended. I'm remembering the taste of kebab food at 3am. I'm remembering the feel of a boat gliding underneath me on the Isis and how the oar pulled at your fingertips when it caught the water. I'm remembering the uncertainty, and the freedom and the feeling of limitless possibilities that existed when I lived in Oxford...of knowing that each day was going to bring something entirely new, and likely very weird, to my doorstep. I miss that.
What has been wonderful though, is how my life has started to sort itself out in a new way......last year, reading over my old posts would have thrown me back into loneliness and saddness over what I had lost so many years ago. Today, i still feel those things...but they're blunted and smoothed over by the knowledge of what I have now....I can pack up the memories, saving the really good ones for the top of the bundle so I can revisit them with happiness and fondness whenever I like. I've finally moved past the point of immense saddness with these thoughts....now I can enjoy the memory of the really sweet moments, linger in them, without longing for them again. I can move beyond saddness, because now I have my own happy ending.
And maybe because of that, it's time this blog came to an end.
Cheers.
posted by sordaria @ 11:59 PM
It has been amazing however, to re-read my entries. All the same emotions start tumbling back, and I find myself living again in those perfect moments when I first fell in love, and am feeling again the pit in my stomach that was left after all had ended. I'm remembering the taste of kebab food at 3am. I'm remembering the feel of a boat gliding underneath me on the Isis and how the oar pulled at your fingertips when it caught the water. I'm remembering the uncertainty, and the freedom and the feeling of limitless possibilities that existed when I lived in Oxford...of knowing that each day was going to bring something entirely new, and likely very weird, to my doorstep. I miss that.
What has been wonderful though, is how my life has started to sort itself out in a new way......last year, reading over my old posts would have thrown me back into loneliness and saddness over what I had lost so many years ago. Today, i still feel those things...but they're blunted and smoothed over by the knowledge of what I have now....I can pack up the memories, saving the really good ones for the top of the bundle so I can revisit them with happiness and fondness whenever I like. I've finally moved past the point of immense saddness with these thoughts....now I can enjoy the memory of the really sweet moments, linger in them, without longing for them again. I can move beyond saddness, because now I have my own happy ending.
And maybe because of that, it's time this blog came to an end.
Cheers.
posted by sordaria @ 11:59 PM
